Would You Rather

As a college basketball coach, I was often asked, “When searching for players to recruit, do you look for skill or athleticism?”

“Ummm, both please.” 

“Both” was the truest answer, but that’s not what people wanted to hear. What they wanted to know was, if forced to pick, which would I prefer. There’s just something about a rabbit hole that most of us can’t resist. And the world can’t get enough of either/or.

“Would You Rather” is a fantastic question game played at dinner parties, corporate get-togethers, family nights, sleepovers, summer camps, and almost any place where folks are gathered with a little extra time on their hands. The game has been around since the early 60s, but I have to think it made a surge when Covid locked us down. Now, it can be found wrapped in all sorts of fancy packaging with a wide array of categorial distinctions, but the game itself stays simple. It’s based on a dilemma that typically pits two incredible things or two lousy things against one another.  Out of two things that both are blissful, you are asked to pick which you would prefer and why. Out of two things that make your skin crawl, you are asked to pick which one you would prefer and why. “Both” and “Neither” are not options. The point is you have to choose.

Our staff and team used to play the off-the-top-of-your-head-version of “Would you Rather” on the bus to the airport or in the hotel lobby while waiting for our rooms. I even sometimes used it when getting to know recruits. It’s a fun —and occasionally tortuous— way to find out how people think. 

With recruits, I’d typically start with some low hanging fruit… dilemmas like “snakes or spiders,” “mountains or oceans,” “broken toes or broken fingers,” “ice cream or cake.” Then once I’d warmed the player up, I’d narrow in my aim. 

I’d ask, “Would you rather be way ahead at halftime and cruise to a lopsided win or win on a last second shot?” 

“Would you rather win all your games in front of 100 fans or win only half your games in front of 10,000 fans?” 

And then I’d go for the jugular, “Would you rather start every game and play all the time, but never go to the NCAA tournament or never get off the bench and win the whole darn thing?” 

The typical response was silence on the line.

After substantial hemming and hawing, a player would sometimes say, “Win the whole darn thing. It doesn’t matter how much I play.” And while that always sounded so good in the air, I knew it probably wouldn’t float for long. Sometimes a player would say, “I want to play. So I’d pick option one. Even if we didn’t get to go to the tournament, it would be fun to play and be a part of the team.” Though I appreciated the honesty, bright caution lights went off inside my head. The best answer I ever received was, “If I play every minute there’s no way we don’t go to the NCAA tournament, so one of those options isn’t even really real.” 

I think I sprained my ankle trying to find the paper to get her to sign.

We learn a lot about people when a hair is split and they’re asked to lean to a side. But the value of the “Would You Rather” game gets lost if we stop at either/or. The textured conversations that emanate following the choice is where the treasure lives. What I really wanted to get a glimpse of when talking to recruits was their willingness to think. I wanted to see if they would grapple. I wanted to hear their rationale. Their “why” was the part that mattered. It wasn’t necessarily their either/or.

Sometimes the answer is so “both” or so “neither” that choosing one seems completely absurd.

“Would you rather be a mom or have a high-powered career?” Both, please.

“Would you rather make a lot of money or make a difference in the world?” Both, please.

“Would you rather live in excruciating pain for the rest of your life or have a limb amputated?” Neither, thank you very much.

Choosing is hard because, by definition, a choice rules out the other thing. But, the greater the pull toward “both” or “neither”, the deeper the thoughts that ensue. The neck-in-neck jostling for position is what gives the questions their girth. We can find out a lot about ourselves and others by unpacking an ultimate selection.

“Would You Rather” is not really about answers, it’s about rationale. I wanted to recruit players who were athletic and skilled, but if I had to choose, I’d go with skilled because of the work inherent. They brought with them proof of concept--they knew how to spend time on a thing. Plus, skilled players typically have some form of athleticism, even if it’s not the kind everyone assumes.  Maybe it’s exquisite balance, or great touch, or crazy athletic eyes, but something physical undoubtedly led to the skill they worked hard to possess. So much lies underneath the choice.

The point of pointed questions is not to choose up sides. There’s not a mom team or a worker woman team—millions of us do both at exactly the same time. The point is to get clear on what we think. “Would You Rather” may divide us into “snake” and “spider” people, but when the process of picking a preference is revealed, we often find we’re more alike than we are different. That is the prize underneath the surface of either/or.

P.S. a “Would You Rather” site