The Best of the Not-That- Important

I’m not sure what it is about conclusions that makes us want to rank and file, but at the ends of things we tend to do it. Voraciously. Religiously. Exhaustively (as in comprehensively and also “making yawn- tired.”) “Best of” lists seem to be our way of organizing our druthers and sharing them with others who we assume (you know what that word means) might care.

To do one of these well, you really need to keep a notebook, or a jar, or an audio message file in the Notes App on your phone. All of those are things I did not do. In the words of my North Carolina soulmate: “I ain’t got time for that.” 

But I did make time for this.

Here goes….

Best essay in memoriam:  Wesley Morris on Tina Turner: “Tornado. Treasure. There Was Nobody Like Tina Turner.”  Here’s a taste: “Tina was an average height—5’4”, maybe. But here’s where a scale fails. Put her in an arena, she scraped the sky.”

Best “Is it a word/is it not a word?” debate:  Irregardless. Irregardless of how often it’s used incorrectly.

Best Comedian: Nate Bargatze. He’s. So. Funny. His genius is his content plus his delivery, of course, so the humor won’t fly as far on the page. But his riff on county fairs and the subsequent logic of fighting an orangutan in the pre-internet days is worth a rabbit hole run.

The hardest punctuation rule to remember: Quotes and commas. Inside or outside? Well, it depends. Welcome to the English language. 

(And now a quick sprint into the category of Christmas because it just happened and I’m still in its jet wash …)

Best Christmas wrapping hack:   Wrap each member of the family’s gifts in different paper. It makes gifts easier to hand out, tags unnecessary, and equality visible.  I didn’t do it because I would like to slow down, not speed up, the opening of presents. Plus, I love cool gift tags, and I’m not certain I always get the equal packages thing right. But it does sound like a fantastic idea for those so inclined.

Best Stocking-stuffer-on-a-whim turned gotta-have:  Blissy’s sleep and pillow mist.

Best Smell:  Frasier Fir Candles. I think they made them for Christmas originally, but we stock up and burn them year around. The only thing I’ve ever smelled that was better is a baby after a bath.

Best Children’s Christmas Book:  “The Polar Express.” Tom Hanks is awesome as the conductor in the movie, but there is nothing like reading Chris Van Allsburg’s book to a child.

Best Christmas Tradition: Leaving hay for the reindeer with Santa’s milk and cookies.

(Now back to real life…)

The best worst phrase in our collective lexicon: “It is what it is.” There’s a sort of dual, debatable meaning to the tautophrase (I learned a new word today, too!)--crass dismissal vs. situational acceptance. Whatever happened to “que sera sera”?  Doris Day sounded so much less judgmental.

As an aside, its cousin, “What it is is,” is my favorite worst-best phrase ever. A coach who used to work across the hall was prone to prefacing his wisdom and explanations in that way. I mean who doesn’t want to hear what intellectual information might follow an introductory set-up like that?

The most overused words in writing:  “That”--which I’ve learned to expunge mercilessly, and “And” which I haven’t. My relationship with “and” is a bit like long-term covid (too soon?) We may always be joined at the hip. Isn’t that ironic?  

Third most overused word: ”like.” I don’t care for it as a verb, but I abuse it like an alcoholic does whiskey as a simile.

Best songwriter in country music:  “Hardy.” I’m not sure it’s close. Smart, clever, honest…Here’s a taste from the self-proclaimed “mockingbird with a microphone” himself:  

          “Well happy sits there patiently

            in line behind jealousy

            waiting on a humble epiphany 

            that your grass might be greener.

           Happy never liked the view of

           I ain’t good enough avenue ‘cause

           you can bet if you don’t like you,

           you don’t like happy either.”         --“Happy”

(Check out “Screen” in the P.S.)

Best line from a country song not written by Hardy.  Luke Combs: “…I’m still bending rules but thinking ‘fore I break ‘em/ I ain’t lost a step, I just look before I take ‘em.” –“Growin’ Up and Gettin’ Old”

Runners-up:  Dan and Shay: “The thing I’ve found about happiness is, it don’t live in bigger houses.” –“Bigger Houses.”   And the pognant hook from “Leave Me Again,” by Kelsey Ballerini: “For a while the shoe fit but then I outgrew it/ And staying only made me get real good at pretend/ so, I hope I never leave me again.”

In the words of my firstborn, “I could do this all day.” And I might. (There’s that pesky “and” again.) But I will stop chasing the goose for now.

Best book title of the year:  “It. Goes. So. Fast.”  A soundtrack for raising kids from Mary Louise Kelly.  (The words following the title are pretty darn good, too.)

Best quote from a podcast: “I tried to chase the eye crinkles and avoid the mouth downturn.”  David Brooks, author of “The Second Mountain” and “How to Know a Person.” (S1 E169 “Kelly Corrigan Wonders” Podcast)

Best once-hot food to be enjoyed cold: By a nose at the tape, fried chicken over pizza. (But only because bacon is too easy.) Yes, my house is still a little like a dorm.

Best acceptance speech:  Milton Cooper, Oklahoma FCA Hall of Champions inductee. He thanked his players and his people and then spent 15 minutes talking about his wife. It felt like she got the award instead of him. Then he ended it like Rocky, “Yo, Rosemary. We did it!”  Too, too good.

Best Movie quote: “We mothers stand still so our daughters can look back to see how far they have come.” – Ruth in “Barbie”

Best winter song: “If We Make It Through December” --Merle Haggard.

“If we make it through December/ Everything’s gonna be alright I know…”

The finish line is near. So is a brand new start.

May 2024 be your best year yet.

P.S. “Screen” by Hardy